Strewth!

(Alfred: Pardon me if I remain standing for the duration of this entry (Ruairí: that could have been more gracefully phrased) but having received a number of rockets up the arse for neglecting my faithful (if irascible) public, this entry is taking place under a certain amount of duress. And, let's be honest, I've been lazy. South-East Asia has the ability to ooze itself into your pores and induce a quality of langour and relaxation that makes other considerations seem irrelevant. But we are back in harness and updates should be more regular. Of course, we face the 'slight' problem that the last entry saw us in Da Nang on Day Three or so (and written on Day at-least-in-double-figures). Now we have travelled through Hoi An, Siem Reap, Vientiane, Phonsavan and are now at our last destination, Luang Prabang. So I think edited highlights for the moment but, rest assured: Ruairí has been keeping records. Between the two of us, all important aspects of this holiday will be dealt with. You may be reading about it by a pool in Marbella in August, but it will get there eventually!!)

So, let's just pick out a few highlights so far - not easy, because it has been an amazing holiday, even more incredible and enjoyable than I think any of us had dared hope.

1.  Guides:  in Phonsavan, we had hired a car and guide for the day at what seemed an exhorbitant price of $150 to visit the Plain of Jars and various other sights (Alfred: Surely you mean 'sites'. Or do you? Actually, OK, never mind, need to think about that one....). Turned out to be a bargain. Some of the roads were as bad as I remember from Africa so a sturdy 4x4 made all the difference for the seven hours of our trip. And our guide, Tey (Alfred: and don't forget you promised to write about him on Tripadvisor and still haven't) was fantastic. We visited three different sites with hundreds of ancient jars scattered around (many badly damaged by bombs during the 'Secret War' but others, I suspect, also harvested by villagers for various reasons over the years) in what is truly one of the world's most amazing archaeological sites (Alfred: or even 'sights', eh? Ok, I'll shut up). Even more staggering was the realisation that this entire area, now relatively flat with little growth other than some struggling eucalyptus trees - was originally heavy jungle before the spraying of vast amounts of Agent Orange that completely - and pretty much permanently - transformed the landscape. Eucalyptus is good at removing Agent Orange from the soil so that is why they are planting these.

Tey also took us to a village where they make stuff from the remains of downed planes, bomb casings, discarded auxiliary fuel tanks and other suitable war debris and another where a 72-year-old woman was still making rice whisk(e)y (Alfred: My brackets) after 55 years. And it tasted good.   And Tey talked - about everything! The War, the ongoing UXO-clearing programme (UneXploded Ordnance), Agent Orange, relations between the Hmong (who fought on the American side) and the other Laotian ethnic groups now that the war is over, (Alfred: As you may guess, all is now OK. Tey assured us that there has been complete reconciliation and there are no tensions between the Hmong and the rest of Laotian society, even though the Hmong were working as mercenaries paid by the CIA to fight their own government. Mind you, the Hmong would say they were fighting for the Royalist cause against the Communists, the old terrorist-freedom fighter argument. No tensions at all. None), the complicated (to say the least) state of relations between Laos and Vietnam and much, much more. The guy was brilliant and much recommended and, had there been four of us rather than just two, the price would have been a giveaway.

(Alfred: Ah yes, Tey was great but in Siem Reap we actually had as our guide the Great Lord Sauron himself. We all wondered what happened to Sauron when Frodo threw the ring - with Gollum's help - into the fires of Mount Doom and the Great Eye collapsed in ruin. Well, he seems to have been reincarnated as a happily-married Cambodian tour guide with a wife and two beautiful children. It kind of gives the lie to the idea that if you are evil in one life, you will be reincarnated as, say, a woodlouse. Actually, now that I think of it, it may just be a coincidence of names but it was cool having a guide called Sauron (even if he actually spelled it Saron). Now, Saron had the advantage that we had him for three days as opposed to Tey's  seven hours, so he had longer to impress us but, sweet Lord, there was nothing the man didn't know! And, believe  you me, Martine and Ruairí tried! Among the topics covered were current salaries and earnings for various groups of Cambodians, Khmer proverbs and their meanings, the structure of local government, wildlife in every conceivable form (including all the Latin names), ethnic issues, the Khmer language and alphabet, population issues, family size and contraception, the price in a local market of any given item of foodstuff, the history of Cambodia right back to the dawn of time, Hindu mythology, the interaction between Hinduism and Buddhism over the centuries, the Khmer Rouge and their (problematic) reintegration into democratic Kampuchea, the structure of the primary education system... seriously, the most informative guy ever!).

2.   Litter: now this is one big area of difference. Vietnam was spotless, Cambodia was clean (but we only saw Siem Reap) but Laos is une autre bouilloire de poissons, as Martine so enchantingly puts it (Alfred: You know she is going to kill you when she sees that? I know YOU think these mangled translations are both humourous and witty but have you ever thought actual French people may not feel the same way?). Strange to see rubbish and plastic bottles and other garbage thrown around somewhere as beautiful as Luang Prabang. Maybe it is just a lack of rubbish collection (not forgetting Laos is much much poorer than Vietnam and we only saw one small touristy area of Cambodia) but this needs working on.

3.   Menu Highlights (most of these have been photographed and can be posted as verification if necessary):

Roasted Shrimp Baby with Salt
Oil Minor Repairs
Vitamin Fruit Labels
Special chef salad, served with Dijon mustang dressing

Classic Bugger
Hun Bugger
Bugger with Cheese  (all under Buggers & Sandwiches)

Apologies for a rather abbreviated entry (Alfred: and, let's face it, that section on 'Litter' wouldn't even be considered as a page-filler in the Metro!) but there is lots of good stuff to come:  we promise we will be more diligent (Alfred: forthcoming highlights include more great menu items - I especially like 'Minor pork in seven styles' - recipes with toads and cockroaches, Ruairí and Martine's strange determination to see if they can become the first people ever to put on weight while on a 100% Asian diet and loads of great things about monks, including spanking monks, monk wet t-shirt contests and keeping minature monks in a hamster wheel!