Alfred rides again

Please note that VSO is in no way connected with or responsible for the content, comments and observations in this blog: these are solely my own in a personal capacity.

Alfred: and yet again the humble stuffed toy has to step into the breach and give you all an update on what has been going on in the last few weeks. To be fair, it has genuinely been pressure of work, plus trying to write his articles for COMHAR. It’s a pity because a lot of genuinely interesting things have been going on over the last few weeks – well, at least I think they are interesting. So here are my highlights of the last few weeks.

1.Sarah has arrived.

Finally, the general atmosphere has taken an upward tone and what used to be considered unimportant and irrelevant matters such as hygiene and interior decoration have now been at the very least according some basic consideration. The diet has improved (note to self: is there such a thing as eating TOO many avocados? And is the plural ‘avocadoes’? And if not, why not?). Sarah looks like she may knock some sense into this guy – God knows, I’ve been trying for long enough. Even when Ethiopian Airways lost the suitcase with all her clothes in it she didn’t bat an eyelid but remained confident it would eventually turn up. Which it did, about twenty days later. And, amazingly enough, it turned up in Addis Ababa. Who would have thunk it – it was in the one place the plane had stopped on the way to Rwanda!! Amazing piece of detective work by Ethiopian Airways, one has to salute their ingenuity, intrepid spirit of investigative … OK, I’m overdoing it a bit.

Mind you, stuck in Ruairí’s bedroom as I am, I can’t be exactly sure what is going on at the moment but it looks like Vodaphone seem to have replaced Ethiopian Airways on the ‘Sarah’s Most Wanted List’. Could be interesting – will try and keep you posted.

2. District Restructuring

Sarah has arrived at a spectacularly interesting time as no one in the District seems to know what their job is. It does look like her director, Francois, is being ‘moved’ and the charge, Alexis, will take over. All the changes are being announced officially tomorrow morning at the regular Monday morning meeting – should be interesting. (PS: It was interesting but no announcement yet.)

3. REAP

Short for Rwanda English Accelerated Programme, this has been occupying Ruairí’s thoughts for quite a while now. In brief (be glad I am writing this and not him and he gave details in the last update) the Department of Education here (MINEDUC) is starting English classes for every teacher in Rwanda starting next year. The first phase is to test everyone’s level of English to see what level to put them into. So every teacher in Rwanda, primary and secondary, had an English test last Friday at 1100 (well, in theory anyway).

Stage One was photocopying the exam papers. Now, there are a maximum of 1225 candidates for this test; the paper is two pages long and there is a separate answer sheet. The District photocopier (apart from the trivial issue of producing near-illegible copies) takes about eight seconds to make a copy. Even presuming no jams, the time for reinserting sheets to copy double-sided and the fact that other people just might want to occasionally use the only photocopying machine in the District Office, it would take 8 seconds x 3 copies x 1225 teachers = 29, 400 seconds = 490 minutes = over 8 hours.

So Ruairí explained to his boss that the photocopying would have to be done in Butare on a proper machine and the District would have to sort out how to pay for it. So on Monday around 1400 Ruairí meets his boss and they go to a little photocopy shop – with exactly the same model machine as the District office! So, long story short, Ruairí heads off to proper machine in University District, spends three hours photocopying (and making sure all jammed copies etc are handed over) and then pays for it himself (FRW56,000 or $100). He’ll be waiting a while before he sees that money again).

More on REAP next instalment!

POEM

Some of you will have been emailed it (if you saw verse one on Facebook and requested the rest, that is). The poem is pretty crap but at least the footnotes add a touch of class and some much-needed accuracy. Andy is Andrew Crow who was a PHARE volunteer here and who may be remembered by some of our regular readers. He is currently job-hunting in the UK, or so he says. And a big ‘Hello’ to Debbie, one of our more faithful readers – hope you’re not getting tired already of having Andy back!

The Adventures of Andy in Rwanda
by Ruairí (and Alfred1)

Now gather round, Rwandan friends, and listen to my song.
‘Tis only twelve short verses so I won’t detain you long.
(But order your brochettes right now, ‘cos service can be slow)
While I relate to you the tale of Andrew Kenneth Crow.

A callow2 youth of twenty-one he left old England’s shore
And set off for Rwanda’s schools to work for VSO.
And everyone he met he greeted thus in tones of glee:
‘Hello – my name is Andy Crow and I’m with YfD3’.

He spoke in French of dulcet tone, with accent most unique,
Which caused his friends to utter: ‘Gosh – just where did HE learn Greek?’
He learned Rwandan – of a sort – just vital phrases needed
To get a beer, to fix a price or make sure he was feeded4.

Though he has left Rwanda’s slopes, they still recall in awe
The thin muzungu – like a rake – who could outeat us all.
A full melange, a few brochettes, an omelette or two,
Washed down with pints of Mützig (his favoured local brew).

‘Tugende5’ was his motto (or at least that’s what we’re told)
‘Cos he called it out so often as he strode off down the road.
Where others ambled, walked or paced, our Andrew zoomed ahead
As if in fear that going slow would make him late for bed.

On the slopes of Karisimbi6 ‘twas our hero showed his skill.
While others talked of mountain slopes, he said ‘It’s just a hill!’
He bounded up like a gazelle, the others to his rear
(Or at least that’s what HE told me as I swallowed back my beer).7

FOOTNOTES: VERSES ONE TO SIX
1Yes, Ruairí AND Alfred. Once I had read this piece of tripe, I decided that only the addition of my footnotes would make this drivel readable and explain some of the more abstruse references to those who were not there. And if you don’t know who I am – tough!
2 ‘callow’? Well, OK.
3 Youth for Development, VSO’s programme for new graduates that has now been scrapped following their recruitment of Andy. Not that there is NECESSARILY any cause-and-effect at work here ......
4 People of taste and discernment will stop reading at this point and find something more useful to do. Anything at all will qualify.
5 As in ‘ar aghaidh linn’ in Irish or ‘andiamo’ in Italian.
6 A very very steep volcano in Northern Rwanda which Andy claims to have climbed. There are actually witnesses and photographs and no obvious evidence of Photoshop tampering in the latter (or the former, for that matter).
7 The note of scepticism implied by the use of upper-case letters here is unjustified – see previous footnote.


He rode around Rwandan schools, his willie made of wood.8
He demonstrated condom use as only Andy could.
His work for PHARE9 was blemish-free, his hard work could be seen in
The results achieved by his great team of Allan, Lee & Keenan.

Though sometimes in Rwanda he was on a sticky wicket
Through the wonder of the Internet he never missed his cricket10.
Through England’s glorious Ashes Tests he savoured every run
And sent a most effusive text when finally they won!11

To try and list all Andy’s skills would take about a year,
His DJ mix, his repartee, his gulping down of beer,
(Though – strange to say – his drink of choice was neither beer nor wine,
But lemon-flavoured Fanta and he drank it ALL the time).

But when we think of Andy - yes, we always think of hair,
His shining golden tresses as they wafted in the air.
On village streets the children came and marvelled at the sight,
And dreamed of elves and fairies as they slumbered through the night.

But as we know of Samson when Delilah took a shine,
A woman with a scissors is your downfall every time!
The blades that Tiga wielded shore12 our hero’s locks in twain
(Though they grew back very quickly when she vanished off to Spain13).

So, goodbye Andrew Kenneth Crow, or is it au revoir?
Perhaps we’ll meet at cricket match or boating on the Loire14.
On Stamford Bridge’s comfy seats or sipping beer at Lords’
Or maybe at Kilmarnock (if we want to feel real bored).

FOOTNOTES: VERSES SEVEN TO TWELVE

8 Obviously, we are talking about a model penis here to demonstrate how to put on a condom and not inferring that his actual .... anyway, back to the poem!
9 PHARE stands for Prevention of HIV and AIDS in Rwanda through Education (thanks Thom – had to text him for that as neither Ruairí nor I can EVER remember what it stands for).
10 OMG - this man has no shame. Surely words like ‘thicket’, ‘ticket’, ‘ricket’, ‘lick it’, or ‘pick it’ could have been used. In fact, that last with a ‘nose’ in the line would open up all sorts of possibilities, as Mr Bassett would have said.
11 As this poem may be read by minors and people of tender sensibilities, it would be inappropriate to reproduce the actual words of the text. Of course, anyone of tender sensibilities is probably throwing up in a pit latrine at this stage .... if they even got this far.
12 ‘shore’ as in the past tense of ‘shear’ and not a drunken Irishman trying to say ‘sure’ – OK?
13 OK, OK, OK – so she actually went to France. Cut the guy a bit of slack. Mind you, couldn’t he have done something with ‘Aquitaine’? ‘went to Aquitaine’? Hello? HELLO? Is he even reading these footnotes?
14 Oh sweet Jesus! ‘Boating on the Loire’ . I mean .... eh, eh, eh, eh, eh!