Down with this sort of thing!

First, a few funnies on the recent referendum!

 

BÍ CÚRAMACH CAD A SCRÍOBHANN TÚ

Well, where Vietnam goes, Lao PDR often follows. It doesn't come as any great surprise that the government here have introduced virtually the same legislation that Vietnam did last year. With over 10% of the population now having a Facebook account (Alfred: That's kind of mind-boggling in one of the least developed countries in Asia) one can understand the government's concern but it's going to be interesting to see how this pans out The main threat is to close down internet providers who 'facilitate' people in breaking this new law, a law which is about as specific and precise as Rwanda's law on genocide denial (Alfred: Which, if you are missing the biting sarcasm, is so unspecific as to make almost anything above the level of jaywalking a form of genocide denial). This extract is from the Radio Free Asia story but there are plenty of others - Reuters has a good analysis if you want more detail.

New Decree Prohibits Online Criticism of Lao Government Policies

Laos has issued a new law prohibiting online criticism of the government and the ruling communist party, according to state media, setting out stiff penalties for netizens and Internet service providers who violate controls.

Last week, Lao Prime Minister Thongsing Thammavong signed Decree No. 327 into law “to monitor and prevent … information deemed threatening [to] society and national security,” according to the official Lao News Agency (KPL).

The 28-point decree makes Laos the latest Southeast Asian country to implement tough new laws governing use of the Internet, following similar legislation pushed through communist neighbor Vietnam’s rubber stamp parliament last year.

Under the decree, which will take effect on Oct. 1, netizens will face criminal charges for publishing “untrue information” about policies of the ruling Lao People's Revolutionary Party or the Lao government for the purpose of “undermining … the country.”

"AND WHAT DO YOU DO FOR ENTERTAINMENT?" I HEAR YOU CRY.

One of the main reasons for quitting teaching in Rathdown and moving here was to reduce stress and give more time for relaxation and chilling out. Well, blood pressure back to 120/80 and 15kg lighter due to cycling and better diet is one reason I think I did the right thing. But another is having more time for reading, writing ... and watching TV! The TV reception is pretty dire ane we use it for news, some sport or to have soothing French TV5 voices in the background when Martine gets 'homesick' for the sound of French. But we have good internet and access to tons of cheap DVDs  so we have been watching a LOT of stuff! Highlights so far are:

FILMS and TV

1)  Breaking Bad: found it SO slow at first, almost gave up, said this on FB, people urged us to stick with it ... and they were SO right. Brilliant.

2)  Peaky Blinders: am dying for the next season of this. Cillian Murphy as a 1919 Birmingham gangster.

3)  House of Cards (USA): mentioned in  the last blog (or maybe the one before)

4) The Godfather: we watched the three films on three successive nights. I used to think Godfather II was the best but I and especially III came out better than I remembered.

5)  Firefly: I had heard vague things about this SF series that was abruptly cancelled halfway through the second season. It was very good overall though the constant Wild West themes on every planet got a little wierd. And I found the film Serenity which was made to wrap up the various plotlines, and did so quite well, actually. 

Now we are watching Babylon 5. OK, I have seen all these before but it is the first time for Martine. Tonight we watched Season One Episodes 13-15 and in Episode 15 there was a character, a judge and I KNEW I recognised the actor but could not for the life remember. Any you know who it was? Jim Norton, better known as Bishop Brennan from Father Ted!! 

BOOKS

I wrote about the books recently (Alfred: Actually, this whole topic of what you do in your spare time has been done to death recently. Is there nothing else to write about? Here you are in the heart of South-East Asia. a fascinating culture, wonderful people and new experiences and all you can talk about is what TV you are watching - which is exactly what everyone at home is watching!! And how narcissistic to think people are actually INTERESTED! Hello, ... anyone listening?)

OK, I will confine myself to one comment. If anyone out there if into fantasy, they probably know Joe Abercrombie. If you don't, I have just started the first volume of his First Law trilogy entitled 'The Blade Itself' - I can't remember the last time a book grabbed me so instantly - wonderful characterization and a lovely writing style. I have found one missing apostrophe so far (summers day) but I can overlook that (Alfred: Or blame it on the editor) but this looks like a winner.

AGUS AS GAEILGE!

(Tá brón orm faoi chuid acu seo).  (Alfred: Níl, i ndáiríre)

 

Ah Scotland!

SCOTTISH REFERENDUM
I am torn between disappointment at being deprived of the spectacle of the biggest change in the politics of our islands since 1922 and relief that it actually was a 'No' vote. Having spent a lot of time reading the economic arguments for independence, they never really added up and, while as a fellow Celt I can well understand the impulse to say 'F*** off England', especially when the government is a Tory one (Alfred: Don't forget Nick. Nick Clegg? You know, the other ... ah, never mind.) I can't see any way Scottish people would have been even as well off let alone better. And anyone who thought an independent Scotland could just waltz straight into the EU obviously knows nothing whatsoever about Spanish politics.

Even as it is the ramifications will be fascinating. If Cameron and Milliband and, yes, Clegg keep their last-minute promises re extra powers for Scotland, it will have to come up with similar structures for excluding Scottish MPs when matters not affecting Scotland are being voted on (the so-called 'West Lothian' question, so beloved of history teachers). If you are really, really (Alfred: REALLY!) interested in this, follow this link which also has a great analysis of the Barnett Question (how relative funding between England, Scotland, Wales and Ireland/Northern Ireland was and is calculated.

The unexpected comic spin-off is Russia's howls of protest at the undemocratic nature of the poll - unsuitable count centres, insufficient verification of the origin of ballot boxes and a turnout level only usually associated with voting in North Korea!  But one can understand their upset - they really were hoping for a 'Yes' vote as a means of justifying what happened in the Crimea and as a justification for a future vote in Eastern Ukraine (see more in the Guardian here).


MORE FOOD 
Having appalled Maurizio with my cavalier treatment of Italian culinary traditions (Alfred: Not to mention not turning up for his birthday dinner where you missed out on lasagna and roast lamb!) I have mended the bridges somewhat by cooking him lunch but decided (Alfred: On Martine's advice, I'm sure you were going to add) not to compete in the Italian arena! So I made hummus (my eternal but always welcome standby starter) and spicy fish soup, which has become my and Martine's favourite dish here.

Now, I have always been a bit bemused at how excited people get about hummus because it is disgustingly easy to make (especially if you don't make your own tahini and even Lao supermarkets sell tahini (Alfred: Well, those that cater for falang/foreigners maybe - not exactly part of your average Lao citizen's  diet)). Maurizio mentioned that Alberto also loves hummus so I made a batch as he was leaving - it took four minutes.

Get your blender. Add one drained tin of chickpeas, juice of half a lemon, two chopped cloves of garlic (or more or less depending on what you like, but two is quite a lot already), salt (not too much, you can add more later) and a good glug of olive oil. Blend. Add more oil - and maybe a little water - until you have a mixture that is a little runnier than you want hummus to be. Then add between a half and one teaspoon of tahini, blend briefly and ...done! It will taste a lot better cold (I think) so fridge for an hour is a good idea, but not at all vital (Alfred: And some people prefer it not chilled anyway).

For spicy fish soup, the secret is in the stock. I use two stock cubes in a litre of water (they are red ones used for fish soups here, no idea what's in them). I add two stalks of lemon grass, split lengthways and chopped into longish lengths, a handful of kaffir lime leaves, 6-8 slices of ginger, a few slices of dried galangal (or use fresh or leave it out) and as many chillis as you want (I use 6-8). Split the chillis down the middle but leave them attached to the stalk. Simmer all this for fifteen minutes and then turn off the heat and leave it there for as long as possible, preferably at least a few hours. But you can use it sooner than that if you have to. I then strain the mixture and throw away all the solid bits.

Then add whatever you want. I tend to add white fish, potato cubes, corn, mushrooms, some julienne of carrot (for colour), coconut milk and fresh coriander (taste and colour). First the potato until nearly cooked, then corn and mushrooms and carrot, then fish until just cooked, and add the coconut milk right at the end. Sprinkle on the coriander when serving. The potato can be left out but it does give it a bit more bulk especially if it is going to be a main course.

PASTA!

HOW TO INSULT/APPALL AN ITALIAN

I really didn't mean to do this and, above all, not to my dear friend Maurizio with whom I have had many wonderful food-related conversations! I know a reasonable amount about Italian food, especially Tuscan, and I am aware of the huge importance Italians attach to various aspects of food preparation and consumption, an importance often not reflected in Irish or British attitudes.

For example, one thing that is calculated to make Maurizio grin broadly, if not actually laugh out loud, is my ‘English’ habit of eating bread with a pasta dish, rather than the accepted Italian habit of using a small piece of bread to mop up any remaining sauce when the pasta has been eaten (Alfred: Obviously they say ‘English’ meaning pretty much everyone else, as I know my German friends always like to have bread with their pasta. You didn’t know I had German friends? Well, I do.)

So, we are in D-Mart supermarket where Maurizio has joined me with his pick-up so I can stock up on crates of water, soda water and other bulky objects. As we pass the pasta area, I pick up a pack of bucatini, saying I had bought this by accident the other day thinking it was spaghetti but that it was very nice (Alfred: See photo – think thick spaghetti with a tiny hole in the middle). ‘But’, says Maurizio, ‘you can’t use bucatini for the same recipe as spaghetti. Bucatini is used for all’amatriciana or maybe carbonara.’

So, without thinking I was speaking to an Italian, I said a terrible thing. ‘Maurizio’, I said, ‘I am Irish. For the Irish there are three types of pasta: flat pasta like lasagne, short pasta like penne and long pasta like spaghetti. And then there is sauce. That’s it. Choose a pasta (flat for baking, long if you want to twirl it on a fork, short if you are wearing a white shirt or otherwise worried about flying sauce) and then add the sauce. Any sauce. And lots of Parmesan. And a piece of bread.’

I think I could have shot his puppy in front of his eyes and not had the same effect. (Alfred: Well, there is only one way to know. First, we have to get him a puppy … ).

WHAT ARE YOU READING?

I sometimes think I moved here solely to have more time to read! I got a few queries from people on what I have picked so, for want of anything better to write about today, here are some of them. And please do send me any recommendations! I also have two Star Trek Enterprise novels that my cousin Jay gave me which I am saving for a rany day!

RECENT FICTION

Michael Dobbs, House of Cards trilogy

Reread these because we were watching the US version on TV (which I have to say was absolutely excellent) We tried to rewatch the BBC version after it and it was just too dated in its pacing, its slightly humourous approach – the contrast didn’t favour it). Easy reading and well-written.

John Bermingham, Axis of Time trilogy

SF series where modern warships get sent back in time to 1942 and change the course of history and not the way you would have expected! OK, waded through the last part a bit.

Sarah Rees Brennan, Demon’s Lexicon trilogy

OK, I have only read the first one and half the second one so far! Sarah is a past pupil of  mine which is why I am reading these as they wouldn’t usually be quite my cup of tea. I remember Sarah wandering the corridors in school with her face buried in a book and teachers’ complaints that her homework was late because she ‘claimed to be working on her novel.’ Well, she showed us! Seven books published so far and more on the way, no doubt.

And they are actually good! It took me a while to get into them but I am actually now looking forward to finishing the series. A heck of a lot better than Twilight!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sarah_Rees_Brennan

Ken McLeod, The Execution Channel

Dystopian future set mostly in Scotland as the world hovers on the edge of disaster. Wasn’t sure I liked the ending but it was a great trip getting there.

Jo Walton, Farthing, Ha’penny, (Half a Crown)

Britain makes peace with Hitler after Dunkirk and an-increasingly totalitarian regime takes over. I am saving the third book in the series because I don’t want to finish it yet!! Really well written and nt predictable.

Orson Scott Card, Ender’s Game

Reread because we watched the film. Book was as book as ever, film was also excellent, not sure why the reviews were so lukewarm.

Robinson, Kim Stanley, The Years of Rice and Salt

The Black Death actually wipes out 99% of Europe’s population so the world develops along Asiatic lines. I got one-third of the way through and got tired but I will come back to it.

Jonasson, Jonas, The Hundred-Year-Old Man who Climbed Out of the Window and Disappeared

Cannot recommend this book highly enough – brilliant piece of work, hilarious, wonderful characters – a literary Forrest Gump I would call it hoping it wouldn’t put people off!

Terry Hayes, I am Pilgrim

Usual modern thriller with a slightly offbeat style and better-drawn characters than most but, in the end, another Clancy/Ludlum/Modern Le Carré clone, if a superior one.

John Le Carré, A Delicate Truth

Good, but a little thin and straightforward when you are used to more intricate and complex plots from le Carré

(RE)READING HISTORY

A. J. Baine, The Arsenal of Democracy

Detroit during WWII and the development of the US airplane industry. Actually have this book in paper!!

Robert Massie, Dreadnought

Halfway through this amazing book again. All my favourite characters – Tirpitz, Edward VII, Holstein, Bismarck and above all Kaiser Wihelm II.

Barbara Tuchman, The Proud Tower

Barbara Tuchman, The Guns of August

The world just before WWI and how WWI broke out. It is always hard for those of us who love history to pick a favourite book but she is undoubtedly my favourite historian!

Shopping in la saison de la pluie

SHOPPING 2
The more interesting thing about the shopping expedition to Nong Khai in Thailand is what I wasn't able to find. Canned goods in particular - one basic thing in a cash-and-carry is trays of 12/24 cans of whatever but not here: tomatoes, mushrooms and peas, yes. But that was about it. And definitely no chickpeas which is what I most wanted!! Also no pitta bread (Alfred: You seriously expected a cash-and-carry to carry something as perishable as bread??) or decaffeinated coffee. In fact, decaffeinated coffee is something of a problem here - there is one available here in Laos and I found another in Tesco in Nong Khai but that's it (Alfred: Logical - if you don't want caffeine, don't drink coffee).

One thing I did buy and can't remember if I mentioned was a 5kg-sack of Asian Purple shallots, best shallots in the world. I bought a kilo the last time and they were wonderful. The unforeseen problem with a 5kg sack (Alfred: it may actually be 10 kg, it doesn't say. A big sack, a swing-it-over-your-shoulder-rather-than-pick-up-to-carry size of sack) is that - in this weather (did I mention rain and humidity before) they have already started sprouting. Anyone out there have a recipe calling for 5kg of shallots, please let me know ASAP.

RAIN RAIN RAIN!
I think I mentioned the rain in my last post but is it absolutely bucketing down here again, both outside and inside the house. Kitchen and sitting-room are awash (Alfred: Well, 'awash' is a bit strong but they will be in a few hours if this downpour keeps up) and there is a torrent of water sweeping down the hill outside our front gate. Unfortunately, about five minutes before all this started, Martine decided to go up the road to get dinner from the market (grilled chicken, sticky rice, papaya salad) and the familiar English phrase referring to saturated rodents was all too apt when she returned home.

The worry is that there are going to have to be extensive repairs to parts of the roof as well as the ceilings inside the house - we'll talk to the landlord tomorrow and see (Alfred: Ruairí actually videoed the water coming through the ceiling in case he didn't believe. Now that the ceiling looks like it is about to collapse into the sitting-room, I don't think willingness to believe is going to be a problem). 

There is a festival in early October to celebrate the start of the dry season - seems a long way away.

PUNCTURES
Yeah, that has been the other dominant feature of the week. First Martine, then me, then me again!I got a puncture as I arrived at work Monday: luckily, one of my students drives a pick-up and lives near me and dropped me and the bike home. I fixed the puncture Tuesday morning and all was well but today (Wednesday), as I left the Japanese Embassy after my class, there was a sound like a rifle shot and my front tube deflated in three milliseconds. So a 45-minute walk to the bicycle shop where the owner pointed out that, not only was the tube shot to hell but the tyre had probably first seen service as a fender on the side of Noah's Ark and was due for replacement. The upside is that a new tyre plus tube plus labour comes to less than ten euro here.

COPING WITH HEAT
It's actually less hot at the moment than it was earlier in the year but for whatever reason - increased humidity, three weeks in Europe - we are struggling!! One interesting thing is the disparity between the actual heat and the perceived heat - '30C degrees, feels like 39C' is what it said on the BBC one day (Alfred: This has a familiar ring - did you write about this on a recent blog? I think you did. Move along now ......) I bought a lot of extra shirts while I was in Ireland, thank God - I went through four shirts one day. I also bought a few long-sleeved shirts on the basis you could roll up the sleeves. No. Does not work, I'll have to wait for November when the temperatures fall to a chilly 25C.

SHOPPING!!!

I LOVE SHOPPING!!
Yes, today was a shopping day. Our friend Michael Headen was heading to Nong Khai today and invited us along. As Martine had a class at 1300 she had to decline but gave me a medium-long list of things to get. And so off we went.

To put things in context, it is possible to get most things in Vientiane but some items can be very expensive and of ... not the highest quality, sometimes, maybe. So a chance to visit Tesco or Makro in Nong Khai is a chance to stock up on some necessities, luxuries and sheer frivolities (Alfred: Is that even a word?) of life. Makro, for my Irish friends, is like Musgrave's, only good.

Earlier posts have dealt with shopping in Thailand but now that we have been a few times, we are a little less 'lose the head and buy everything in sight' about it all. We also realise that buying enormous amounts of perishable items is not a great idea! So, having said that, here is a list of everything I bought:

3 tins corn
4 x 500g grated Parmesan (Alfred:This stuff is the BEST! It lasts forever, tastes great and the containers are awesome for storing things in.)
6 tea towels (Alfred: Proper, old-fashioned stripy thin cotton/linen type, green stripe)
2 kg mangoes (Alfred: this is a kind of Dan Quayle mongooses/mongeese moment: what is the right plural for 'mango'?  Mangoes? Mangos? It turns out to be EITHER!!! If you don't believe me (or Ruairí) check these out. 
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/mango
http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/mango
Ruairí wants me to point out that Martine was especially insistent that 'mangoes' was the only acceptable spelling but that would be ungentlemanly of me.
1 pomelo  (Alfred: You don't know what a pomelo is? For goodness' sake, even Dunnes and Lidl sell them! Think giant sweet grapefruit).
200g cumin powder
ditto coriander
1 watermelon that may be the kind that actually has yellow flesh when you cut it open (bought in Makro)
1 watermelon that definitely is the kind that has yellow flesh when you cut it open (bought in Tesco) (Alfred: Martine has specifically asked for this kind of watermelon. So Ruairí bought one in hope and the second in expectation).
3 dragon fruit
1 kg purple grapes (Chinese)
8 packs of wasabi-covered peanuts (Alfred: More about these later ... why is that opening bracket in bold font?)
2 packs of bbq-flavour-covered peanuts (Alfred: mad, daring experiment)
10 small packets of holy basil and chilli flavoured crisps (Alfred: description tells it all. For clarification, 'holy basil' is a specific type of herb here, it's not the crisps that are holy. Would make communion more interesting, though).)
1 squeezable mop (Alfred: See previous posts on ceiling/leaks/water for clarification)
1 water-squeegee thing for pushing water around the floor and out doors and off the patio (Alfred: it's a VERANDAH! It is RAISED! That weed-infested limestone square thing outside your back door in Dun Laoghaire, THAT was a patio).
4 large bottles of beer, all Thai (Alfred: And the first one opened, Red Horse Beer (640ml 6%) was a disappointment. Will keep you posted on the rest).
1 giant papaya (Alfred: Wait until you see the photo!)
1 large packet cashew nuts
1 pack kaffir lime leaves (Alfred: According to Martine, Ruairí has been dong a pretty good job of cooking up authentic Thai/Lao-style soups, but kaffir lime leaves have been one missing ingredient. So has galangal - see later on the list)
100g oregano
3 jars Crespo green olives
1 pack dried galangal (Alfred: See previous comment)
1 drum Pringle Sour Cream & Onion (Thai manufacture) (Alfred: One of the problems here is when you THINK you have found a long-lost favourite from home - Pringles, Cadbury's chocolate, Nutella, whatever - but it is actually a Thai brand made under licence. They are not necessarily inferior, absolutely not - just ...... different. Unlike in Rwanda where the chocolate you found labelled 'Cadbury's (manufactured in Kenya) was barely fit for human consumption).
2.5 kg potatoes There are a number of interesting things about this vegetable. I always liked how, in Rwanda, they called them 'Irish potatoes' to distinguish them from sweet potatoes, even though no Irish person had ever set foot in Rwanda at the time! In Lao PDR they call them ມັນຝະລັ່ງ which transliterates as mak frang. This was a bit of an eye-opener for a number of reasons. ມັນຝະລັ່ງ translates as 'foreigner vegetable' which is fair enough. But ຝະລັ່ງ - actually, looking at this (copied from Google Translate) I don't see the 'r'sound represented. Anyway: the word for foreigner is usually written as 'falang', originally meaning French. But in fact Lao people say 'frang' and not 'falang' (Alfred: OK, kinda banging on a bit about the old falang/frang thing here. Next thing we know you will be resurrecting the whole 'what does mzungu' really mean? debate) 
5kg purple Asian shallots Onions and their relations are the key to all cooking and these Asian Purple Shallots are the absolute best. So I bought 5kg. Sue me. Or come by and see what happens when I cook traditional French Soupe a l'oignon using these babies. Yeah. Thought that might shut you up. Wipe up that drool .......
2 large heads Chinese leaves My Lao students thought it was absolutely f***ing hilarious that we call them Chinese leaves but they wouldn't tell me exactly why
1 bag lemon grass stalks (half a kilo for 13 baht!!!!!) For making any Thai/Lao soup, lemon grass is the key. But it does go hard and lose flavour so I will need to make a LOT of soup in the near future. By the way, 13 baht is 30 cent. I presume it is considered a weed here.
2 kg carrots
500g yard-long green beans (Alfred: WTF? Of all the strange things that have popped up on the radar here, I sometimes think this is the weirdest. The beans are long, yes. Maybe not usually the full yard but a good two feet. So, there you are. But this is Lao PDR. Invaded by Burmese and then Thai, then the French. Threw out the French and fought off the Americans. No English. No English or British whatsoever. SO WHERE THE HECK DOES 'YARD' COME FROM?????????????)
1 head celery Seriously hard to find, celery is.
2 kg mini-tomatoes 
200g decaffeinated Moccona Instant Coffee  This was the single most expensive item of all. The coffee here is good but Thai and Lao people take the completely unreasonable attitude that, if you want to drink coffee, it's because it contains caffeine, so why would you want to drink coffee WITHOUT caffeine? So decaff is really hard to find. You find it, you buy it, price doesn't really figure.
2 packs Tom Kha soup mix Like Tom Yum which people know but with coconut milk. Really good.
1 pack roasted pork with honey and herbs/spices
2 packs corn puffs
1 container of Bic board markers (3 black, 3 blue) (Alfred: Of all the things Martine was insistent upon, this was the .... one she was most insistent upon. It had to be Bic markers. And they are!) 
2 packs x 250 sheets 150g coloured card
20 transparent A4 folders
2 packs 6cm x 4 cm plasters (Alfred: These are for the knee. You really don't want to hear any more about the knee. And that first bracket is in bold again. Just saying.) 
2 extension leads, 4-gang (Alfred: This was really funny. Ruairí picked up an extension lead near the checkout while he was summoning up the courage to actually leave and not buy any more stuff. When the stuff all got put through, the extension lead was one of the last items. When it scanned, there was an alarm. The girl scanned it again, and then fired off a long string of Thai at Ruairí . Lao would be hard enough, but Thai? So she began to mime - waving one hand in the air, then a second. Appealed for help to all around, no luck. So she ran away. Just legged it. So R. stands there wondering what the hell is going on and, as she reappears with an extension lead in each hand, a 4'11" Thai angel leans in over Ruairí's shoulder and whispers 'Buy one, get one free').

Change of policy

CHANGE OF BLOG POLICY
OK, so it has proven somewhat difficult to keep up regular posts so Alfred has come up with a solution by putting a gun to my head (Alfred: Actually I put a knife to his throat - can't get my big, furry paws through the triggerguard) and insisting on daily - DAILY! - posts from now on. So, here goes.

Just got back from our local restaurant which we fondly call 'Mosquito Bar' in memory of the first night we went there and sat beside the bushes on the edge of the bar, a bad decision not just in retrospect but in immediate-spect. But it is actually a really nice place: good food, live music well sung and very friendly staff. Tonight they served us the best papaya salad we have had so far (and that is saying something in a country addicted to papaya salad) and had a fabulous rendition of Ronan Keating's 'When You Say Nothing At All' by the end of which we were still unsure whether it had been in Lao or English.

The last week has been a process of settling back in to 'home' or home as we call it. It is true that, once I arrived back in Ireland, I was immediately in a familiar setting and felt 'at home' but, having said that, there is no doubt that Vientiane is home for now. My crocked knee (Alfred: 'Crocked' is putting it strongly) meant I decided to postpone my classes for one week to give it time to heal up and not subject it to too much pressure so yesterday and today were my first days back at work (Alfred: Unlike Martine, back to the daily grind on the spot! And her dying of a cold and all - yes, only Martine could move from a wintry Irish August to a warm Laos and catch a cold!). 

The other main news it that the roof is now leaking bigtime so we need to ring the landlord tomorrow and see what can be done. We spent over an hour this morning mopping up water in the sitting room (Alfred: Always something a bit unnerving about finding your extension leads, computer power cords etc lying in a pool of water) so the time has come to try and get something done about it (Alfred: Of course, this may explain why - in the middle of the embassy district - you are paying such a modest rent!).

My English class this evening got diverted onto the topic of emphasis and how to emphasise things in spoken and written English (underlining, capitals, tone of voice etc). We had good fun with the various nuances of 'don't', 'do not' and do NOT'. (Alfred: Diverted - well, that's one word for. Ruairí went off to class leaving all his materials sitting on his desk so I wonder who was doing the diverting??). We were also dealing with the different ways different English speakers complain (American: That was CRAP!  British: It left something to be desired). They were a little surprised that the word 'satisfactory' on a customer satisfaction form was not necessarily a good thing (Alfred: Likewise 'fair' and 'adequate').

LAO TOURISM
Tourism is Laos' biggest-growing industry but one that faces various threats and difficulties. A massive rise in tourism figures in recent years has had the shine taken off it by analysis that shows a huge proportion are Thai visitors who come for a very short space of time and spend very little money. The numbers of US and European visitors are growing but more slowly and there is serious concern that the recent opening-up of Myanmar will eat into the numbers of people looking for an 'exotic' Asian holiday who would hitherto have picked Laos.

But in AVIS Rent-a-Car where I teach English to the office staff, things are flying. Normally after April business nose-dives but this year has been really busy right up until this month. And this seems to be borne out by government figures which are happily reporting higher-than-expected numbers across the board.  (Alfred: And here the story peters out. Ruairí has been away for a month so he can't back this up with anecdotes of tourist sightings around town, hotels with no free rooms or whatever else he could use to bolster this -rather thin - line of argument. Maybe should have held this topic over until a later blog?  Maybe. But too late now. Once the burning hand has written etc etc. Actually I just looked up the Book of Daniel and the hand doesn't appear to have been burning. Aha - it's not the Book of Daniel at all. It is the Rubiyaat of Omar Khayyam - presumably referring to the same incident.

"...The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it..."

Finger? Not hand? Well, paint me brown and call me an Oompa Loompa).

COMING ATTRACTIONS
Vang Vieng uncovered
Book and movie/TV reviews
And much, much more

TV Review: House of Cards (US version)
We watched this in one massive five-day binge of both Seasons One and Two and boy, was it brilliant!! Having seen the UK version I had a reasonable idea of what to expect but Martine was completely new to it all, but we both enjoyed it immensely. We did start to watch the UK version immediately after but had to stop. Twenty-five years of TV history later, things were just not sharp or cutting enough, too humourous and not nearly as believable. Kevin Spacey is amazing but so are almost all the cast. Can't wait for Season Three (Alfred: If Maryland can work out the change in the tax laws that is threatening the filming of the next season. This story from The Washington Post is really worth reading - it is almost like a script outline from House of Cards itself!  http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/md-politics/house-of-cards-legislation-fails-at-the-last-minute-in-maryland/2014/04/08/f4afea98-be84-11e3-b574-f8748871856a_story.html

Book review: The Guns of August by Barbara Tuchman
An oldie but still the best book on the outbreak of the First World War ever written. The descriptions of the early battles and troop deployments are still the only ones that actually made any sense to me. Also reread 'Dreadnought' by Robert Massie on the Anglo-German naval race and 'The Proud Tower' (also by Barbara Tuchman - she is THAT good!) on the same period. The Proud Tower has a fantastic chapter on anarchism in the late 19th and early 20th century but is brilliant throughout - the chapter on the US abandonment of anticolonial policy as they grabbed Hawaii, the Philippines, Puerto Rico and Cuba is especially illustrative).

POEM
Don't worry, there will be further installments!! Along with photographic evidence!

Exhibit One: the concrete blocks I fell over. 

NIE FEDER LAHM SCHULE 2

NIE FEDER LAHM SCHULE 2

(With interjections and explanatory footnotes by Alfred)

And on the eve before the party

People had already gathered

Clustered in the marquees’ shelter

Sheltering from the Irish summer

(‘Summer’ being ‘Irish Summer’)

Swapping jokes and telling stories

Just like at the Tower of Babel

After God had sent them packing.

Cousins meeting for the first time

Familiy and friends remeeting

Bonhomie and friendly laughter.

And as the day passed into darkness

Ruairí kept himself most busy

From the marquee to the kitchen

And the kitchen to the marquee

Bearing food and filling glasses

Walking a familiar pathway

Which proverbs tell us breeds contempt

The pride that comes before a tumble.

And as he reached the kitchen doorway

His eyes not fixed upon the pathway

An obstacle his foot encountered

Fixed and rigid by the doorway

Causing him to fall quite heavy

(‘Heavily’ is better English

But it doesn’t fit the metre).

‘Twas on his left knee he landed

Cracking ribs and skinning elbow.

Lying in the dark of evening

Feeling pain but mostly foolish

But not so foolish as to try to

Stand up on his feet unaided,

Knocked politely on the doorglass

Seeing there his nephew Mikey

Asked politely for assistance.

Mikey gazed into the darkness

Hearing voices disembodied

Hearing pleas for his assistance

But seeing only trees and twilight

Until he happened to glance downwards

Saw the figure of his uncle

Sprawled in seeming relaxation

On the ground outside the kitchen.

Erect again his wound he studied

Seeing only cuts and bruises

Hoping it was nothing graver

Critical or semi-fatal

Major, dire or consequential

(Please stop using that thesaurus)

Resolved to limp on through the evening.

But morning saw the knee most swollen

Not unlike a largish grapefruit

Or indeed a smallish melon

(well, a smallish watermelon

Or a normal cantaloupe which

Is much bigger than a grapefruit

So maybe we don’t mention grapefruit).

NIE FEDER LAHM SCHULE

Our recent holiday in Europe was mainly to attend my mother's amazing 75th birthday party, which was held on the 9th August. In honour of the occasion I offer my very own poetic tribute, modelled on Henry Wadsworth Longfellow's epic poem Hiawatha. This is the first section - more will follow.

(Alfred: For those not aware of the fact - without wishing to spoil the suspense or anything - Ruairí managed to fall and hurt his knee quite badly during this event. So. Just so you know. OK? Might help with understanding the title (if you speak the appropriate language) and will definitely help with the first footnote.)

NIE FEDER LAHM SCHULE¹

(With interjections and explanatory footnotes by Alfred)

I

By the Rock of mighty Cashel

Tipperary’s fertile heartland

Lies the house of Ruairí’s mother

By trees and flowers all surrounded

(Seriously – quite surrounded

More trees than you can shake a stick at

Should you want to be so stupid)

Family and friends did gather

For to² celebrate her birthday

Really a momentous birthday

Seven and a half full decades

Since her birth in lovely Paris

(Capital of France is Paris

Home of poetry and wisdom

Boulevards and famous buildings

Museums and the Eiffel Tower

Degas, Monet and Picasso

(Yes, Picasso lived in Paris!)

Fresh baguettes and milky coffee

La Marseillaise and Edith Piaf

Jacques Chirac and Quasimodo -

Maybe that’s enough on Paris).

Preparations had been started

Months and months before the birthday

Marquees booked and traitors³ ordered

Extra fridges in the garage

Invitations by the hundred

All the family invited

Coming from the world’s four corners

Delaware and fair Ohio

Bogotà and Amazonas

Philippines and farthest Thailand

Greece and Germany and Laos

Switzerland – and even England!

France and Spain and many others⁴

Salmon poached, (a lot of salmon)

Lasagnas baked to feed the hungry

In the days before the party

And the days after the party

And even on the day of party

Just in case there was a shortfall

(Irish people⁵ hate a shortfall).

Footnotes by Alfred

¹           This was originally going to be entitled ‘The Ballad of Wounded Knee’ until I pointed out that  a) it wasn’t a ballad but a poem in trochaic tetrameter based on the famous poem ‘Hiawatha’ by Longfellow and    b) wittily naming your poem after an infamous massacre of native American Indians – however clever the play on words – might just come across as a tenny-weeny bit insensitive. Not that I want to be a killjoy or anything. 

As for what the actual title means, all will be revealed at the end. You could try putting the title into Google Translate if you want to.

²           With apologies to Pegeen Mike in Act 1 Scene 1 of ‘The Playboy of the Western World’

³           OK, if you don’t get this look up the French word for ‘caterer’

⁴           I think we can all see what he is doing here. Nice try, Memory Boy.

⁵            As opposed to which people that love a shortfall? Maybe Mongolians – after all a shortage of fermented yak butter has to be good news, yes?

VISAS, DOCTORS and TRAINS

VISAS, DOCTORS and TRAINS

Well, the ongoing saga of our visa application continued for rather longer than expected. Having been recommended to a certain Mr Sai of Saiawardz Real Estate and Consultancy Services as a 'fixer', I had recruited three more people to apply jointly with Martine and me on the basis that the more of us there were the cheaper the price we might be able to negotiate. So our Italian friend Maurizio and our two new German friends, Rob and Tina all trooped off to the office, filled in the forms, handed over our passports and paid over our $600 each. Mr Sai assured us that our work visas, residence permits and ID cards would only take a couple of weeks.

(Alfred: part of the requirement was, of course, passport-sized photos for the various documents. But Lao people must be very fussy about these photos because when the documents did eventually materialise, the photos had been extensively Photoshopped to make them more 'professional'!)

                              

Now, I have previous experience of bureaucracies in many countries: Rwanda, Ireland,  tried to post a parcel in a French post office. I've even been to Belgium! So we were prepared for a longer wait than that promised. But a long wait it turned out to be!!

And then, suddenly, we needed the visas extremely urgently. One of the very few downsides of moving here is the almost complete absence of a reliable healthcare system. There are hospitals but very few expats - and quite a lot of Lao - are not particularly keen on visiting them. There are two small clinics run by the French and Australian Embassies respectively and a new Thai hospital has recently opened near the airport which may (or may not) be dependable.

Anyway, this meant that when Martine was stricken with severe ongoing abdominal pains, the French clinic said we had to go to Thailand for tests! And not just across the border to Nong Khai but to Udon Thani, about 45 minutes from the border by car and considerably further by bicycle! And, without passports or visas, impossible!!

We did ask whether any of the hospitals in Vientiane would suffice and the Belgian doctor explained that, if he was sure - or even reasonably sure - what was wrong, there were hospitals here he would trust for specific problems: orthopaedics, malaria etc. But abdominal pain being such a vague symptom, a hospital in Udon Thani was the only trustworthy option.

It is funny how life works sometimes. Here we were with no visas or passports and no transport. Within fifteen minutes, both problems are solved. I ring Mr Sai and explain the problem. He says that he 'has just received' the passports and will drive over to meet us with them (Alfred: And kudos to Ruairí for keeping a straight face, both on the phone and when Mr Sai arrived). Then I ring my friend Maurizio and he says he will come immediately and drive us to Udon Thani! (Alfred: More on the debt owed to Maurizio later). 

Shopping centre beside the hospital (Big Macs!!)

And then I ring the VHI. Before leaving Ireland we had decided to sign up for the VHI International cover, partly because it was the only plan that allows you to transfer back into the Irish system without undergoing a new health screening. And I just want to place on record here that the VHI were absolutely brilliant - when we arrived in Udon Thani they had already arranged everything with the hospital, they rang every day while we were to check everything was OK, and made two folllow-up calls when we were back in Laos. Thanks, Lindsay! (Alfred: Or maybe Lynsey. Lyndsey. Whatever). And they were also great when the hospital began suggesting additional procedures that were not really necessary!

The hospital let me stay in the room and I also wandered around Udon Thani a bit (Alfred: Not a place you would choose to go to on holiday). Apart from one friendly family restaurant, it was a bit grim and I gave up on finding a bar where one could have a drink without fighting off constant unwanted professional female attention (Alfred: Nicely phrased).  The hospital diagnosed intestinal parasites and gave Martine the necessary medication and, after two nights in Udon Thani, we were able to go home.

And this was the really great part - we went home by train!! Yes, train! There are three trains a day (Alfred: Maybe four, it's hard to say) from Udon Thani to the border crossing at Nong Khai. As you can see from the photos the trains are old and battered but were spotlessly clean inside and the fare was about 50 cent for the two of us. It was so nice to see a bit of countryside, rice fields, trees and wide open spaces (Alfred: Mind you, there are less extreme ways to get out of Vientiane).

Udorn Thani (that's how they spell it here) railway station

 

  

Alfred: Of course, after a few days the symptoms reasserted themselves but the French Clinic were able to give a slightly different medication that - eventually - sorted out the situation. Intestinal parasites it was and stubborn buggers too).

RAINY SEASON
Worrying is stupid. It's like walking around with an umbrella, waiting for it to rain. Wiz Khalifa

The rain it raineth on the just

And also on the unjust fellow.

But mainly on the just because

The unjust steals the just’s umbrella.

(Charles, Baron Bowen 1835-1894)

Well, the rainy season isn't quite as bad as we had expected, though when it rains, it really pours. Roads disappear under centimetres of water (Alfred: meaning you can't see the potholes) and you are drenched to the skin regardless of what you may or may not be wearing. One night cycling home from work I actually had to stop because I couldn't breathe with the volume of water pouring into my nose and mouth. Having done that, I realised that almost all the cars had likewise stopped as their wipers couldn't cope with the rain!!

The important difference (as we found out when we were back in Ireland in a chilly August) is that the rain is warm! So even if you are soaked, at least you don't feel miserable and frozen. (Alfred: And it was really cold, not quite monkey-asking-for-directions-to-a-welder cold but ridiculously cold for August). Of course, now that we are back in Laos, even Martine is hovering under the air conditioner as our bodies try and readjust.

Hiatus over!!

Oh dear. Given how often I have had to apologise in the past for the breaks in service, I am running out of ideas for new excuses. Suffice to say that today, the day we returned from our holiday in France/Ireland, will mark a new beginning in blog commitment – because, if I don’t, Alfred and my Aunt Máirín will gang up on me and exact a terrible revenge (Alfred: Yeah, that’s about it in a nutshell.).

And this is only some of the family (Alfred: Ruairi was off
buying bread in Lidl when this was taken!)

In the days (Alfred: 'days'? Don't be coy. It has been exactly ninety days - NINETY DAYS) since my last entry a lot has happened, some of it vaguely interesting but much of it not. Chiefly, Martine and I went back to Ireland (and also France in her case) for about three weeks. Alfred minded Obélix and the house, ably assisted by our friend Michael Headen (Alfred: And I too have stories to tell!). My mother threw the best birthday party of all time, lasting four days and with something in the region of 160 people. And I managed to wreck my knee and spent most of the holiday with my leg up on a cushion waiting for it to heal (Alfred: And a fine relaxing time you had too!!). 

So, it's off to bed and recharge the batteries and tomorrow, we shall start to catch up!!  Film and book reviews, the saga of the cat in the attic, waterboarding Lao-style, fruit updates, some bad jokes (Alfred: The History Channel +1 - where History repeats itself) and much, much more!!

It it an intervention? Is it a move to restore law and order? No, it's a coup.

COUP TV
Since we moved into our new house in November, we have been receiving free cable TV, an interesting package which is mostly Vietnamese and Thai soap operas, pop music and news but also includes CNN, BBC World, CNBC, Al Jazeera and TV5 Monde. We also get HBO (Alfred: All hail, Game of Thrones!) and Fox and a variety of sports channels which, very occasionally, actually show something I want to watch (Alfred: You notice the use of 'I' there - there not being anyone else in the house with the slightest interest in the sports channels, except possibly Robin and that is only as an excuse to get into the house. Robin? Haven't I mentioned Robin before? OK, we'll get to that later).

Anyway, as the world knows, the Thai Army launched a coup about a week ago now, once they eventually got around to admitting it actually was a coup (Alfred: It was rather like when you confront a sulky teenager about something they have done wrong, wringing out the reluctant, gradual admission of culpability:
a)   It's definitely not a coup!
b)   Well, it is kind of a semi-coup
c)   Yeah, OK, it's a coup all right).

For foreigners living here, the first concern was for those people who do not have permanent visas and have to travel regularly to Thailand (once a month) to get their tourist visas renewed. This now seems to be OK as the troops on the border are really only concerned with Thai political leaders and agitators who may be trying to flee to Laos (Alfred: Though various embassies did point out that it might be better to wait a few days if possible as the mixture of soldiers, police and customs officials rushed to the border are, not surprisingly, a little unsure of who exactly to check/allow/detain. That and the incredible queues and traffic jams!).

For us, the first obvious sign was turning on the BBC News and seeing instead the logo for the National Peace and Order Maintaining Council. A quick trawl through the 51 channels normally available gave us about thirty to thirty-five of these, accompanied by the kind of music that reminded you of when Soviet leaders died and Soviet TV played solemn music, though the Thai version did have a little bit more of an upbeat rhythm to it. Interestingly, while all the news, sports and other channels were replaced with this, Vietnamese and Chinese channels were not and neither was Al Jazeera.

(Alfred: We have also been puzzling over the five symbols. Presumably it is army, navy, air force and police - but what is the fifth?  Given that every time the new leaders appear on TV we see five of them, presumably the fifth is ... customs? Intelligence services?  Who knows?)


By yesterday (Friday 23rd) all these channels were now showing the same station, Thai TV 5, which alternated soap operas with documentaries about Thailand as a tourist destination (Alfred: In the interests of editorial accuracy, Ruairí only checked twice during the afternoon. This may not be a completely accurate representation of Thai TV output). And today everything is back as normal, with a few small exceptions. BBC, CNN and CNBC have a sign saying 'Transmission will resume shortly' and two other channels have the logo above. And, strangest of all, a third channel (Channel 16 which I think was True Visions Fashion Channel!!) has a picture of the King of Thailand and a recorded message in Thai playing on a loop.

On a more serious note, the developments are worrying for a number of reasons. From a Lao point of view, Thailand is our biggest trading partner, thousands of people work on both sides of the border and a huge proportion of Lao imports come in through Thailand. Any serious unrest would have major repercussions here. But from Thailand's own point of view, the outlook isn't great. The economy is already in recession in a region where everyone else is doing at least reasonably well, the country is divided between two extremes with little or no middle ground and the prospects for a settlement are limited. This article in The Economist gives a good idea of the problems, especially as regards the position of the royal family - well worth a read http://www.economist.com/news/asia/21602759-sudden-move-army-brings-only-near-term-calm-path-throne (Alfred: And, yes, we know The Economist  can be very right-wing and conservative in its coverage of many issues but this article is pretty bang on).

(Alfred: Those not particularly interested in Asian or Thai politics may wish to skip the next paragraph. I certainly did. But I threw in a few Thai cartoons to try and liven up what is becoming far too serious a blog entry!)

And my opinion? The opposition represents the ruling elite with the tacit support of the army, courts and royal family and have been used to being in power. But every election held recently has resulted in a win for the party representing the poorer and more rural sections of the population. This is why suggesting a new election is being turned down by the opposition - they know a majority will vote for the present government, so they want an appointed government that will, presumably ignore the wishes of the majority and give power back to the ruling elites. Reminds me a little bit of the early years of Chavez' rule in Venezuela (Alfred: An unfortunate comparison, given how that turned out).


BOWLING IN LAOS
Well, yesterday saw a brand-new experience - we went bowling!! There is one bowling alley in Vientiane with 12 lanes and we stumbled across it on the way to ... actually, not sure where, maybe the swimming pool. Anyway, we checked it out and decided to grab some lunch before coming back.

Photo taken when there were actually people there

Now, it would be fair to say that neither Martine nor I are expert bowlers (Alfred: Please check dictionary definition of 'litotes'  http://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/litotes. Actually, it's worth looking up and Irish people are not reluctant to use them). I think I have only bowled three times in my life and I spent lunchtime trying to look up the scoring system on the internet. So, when we returned, the fact that we were (initially) the only people there was actually just fine with us. On the plus side it was cheap (one euro per player per game), they had air-conditioning (Alfred: Of a sort. But to be fair, they only turned it on when the first players arrived so it took a while to have an effect), the shoes fit - in  fact, mine were far too big and I had to get smaller ones, a definite first in Laos. And they sold cold beer. But if you were a serious player, you might get a little frustrated by the technical flaws - skittles falling over when being replaced, equipment freezing up, bowling balls with holes designed either for pianists or Mafia mob enforcers. But it was great fun and we didn't even mind when others turned up who, while also being absolutely terrible players, were still miles better than we were! We will be back.


ELECTION RESULTS

Never has a malfunctioning pixel done such a great job!

As my family and friends know (Alfred: All too well ... sigh) I am passionate about elections of any sort. The time difference means I was actually able to follow the results of the UK local elections without having to stay up all night and thereby was able to witness Nigel Farrage's triumph at first hand. Depressing but not unexpected. I was hoping the Greens would do a little better having topped 10% consistently in national polls but the UK system doesn't really lend itself to that.

So tomorrow I look forward to immersing myself in the wonderful world of Irish local politics, which I probably won't share with you guys as I doubt you are very interested. (Alfred: Amen) And, if you are, you won't need me in Laos telling you what is happening. I just hope Mary Hanafin gets in just to really turn the screw on Micheál Martin!!

FRUIT
As regular readers know, we do produce a lot of fruit in our garden (Alfred:  Yeah, pretty much every post, actually. No, I'm calling a time out on this one. I KNOW you are going to talk about cats later, cats AND fruit in the same post is too much, you can have one or the other. Or combine them - catfruit!

Disclaimer: this is not our cat.

CAT UPDATE

While we are still officially a one-cat family, we now have a second cat who is extremely intent on adopting us. The fact that Robin (as we call her) actually belongs to the family next door doesn't seem to matter to her and she spends all her time on our verandah, trying to steal Obélix's food or sneak into the house when we aren't looking and gobble down whatever she can. There is a sense of inevitability about the process - even Obélix has given up chasing her away!!